What’s up, weirdos? Welcome to Awfully Good, where we celebrate movies that suck! Since we’re celebrating April as Reaper Madness Month here at Nightmare, tonight’s feature is the 2006 stoner horror comedy Evil Bong. It’s a low-budget movie about about some scare-aphernalia and killer boobs, with a surprising guest star! Well, it would be surprising if the poster and DVD cover didn’t scream “STARRING TOMMY CHONG,” so… spoiler alert, I guess. Now, without further ado, let’s dive into Evil Bong!
The opening credits of Evil Bong are like Spencer’s at the mall. It’s just a bunch of clip art of pot leaves, but I guess somebody’s buying it all. Most of the transitions are like this too, and they look like the MySpace page of a 15-year-old in the suburbs called STEPHEN NORIEGA DA 420 KINGPIN. That reference is nothing now, but it would’ve been good when this movie first came out. If you get your hands on a time machine, you can use that riff for free.
“These are some of the oldest Adult Teenagers we’ve featured in Awfully Good.”
Anyway, back to Evil Bong. The movie starts with a meganerd named Alistair moving in with a couple of stoners and their jock roommate. It’s hard to tell how old everyone’s supposed to be, because Alistair is working on his Master’s degree and you can be any age for that, but the other three are (I think) supposed to be undergrads.
These are some of the oldest Adult Teenagers we’ve featured in Awfully Good. There’s some of that extremely casual homophobia to really drive home how long ago 2006 was, then the three non-nerd characters smoke up and just cough for like five minutes straight. When they’re done with that unpleasant interlude, they discuss buying a haunted bong. Then they do! Not everything has to be a whole ordeal.
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The bong comes in the mail and it is, in this square’s opinion, massive. The roommates give it a place of honor among the jock’s trophies, then everyone goes to sleep in the middle of the day. While they sleep, the bong starts glowing and talking. Like a typo in a textbook, only the nerd notices. The next day, the jock brings his girlfriend and her best friend to the apartment. They hang around for a little, teasing Alistair on his obvious immediate crush on the friend, then leave.
The stoniest stoner in the house takes a hit from the evil bong from Evil Bong and is transported to a magic strip club filled with characters from other Full Moon Pictures properties where the worst nu-metal I’ve ever heard plays. And friends, the bar is extremely low. One of the strippers asks if the stoner likes what he sees, and if he wants to see more. He does, and does, so she shows him her (custom?) bra with two protruding skulls, leading to my favorite line of dialog in the movie:
Goth boobs, huh? That’s cool.
Anyway, the tiddyskulls bite him to death, and when we return to the real world the evil bong from Evil Bong has a face!!!
There’s like fifteen minutes of script padding where one of the characters’ grandpa visits the apartment and nothing particularly funny happens, then the second-stoniest stoner in the movie takes a rip and goes to the magic strip club. He meets the Gingerdead Man, who plays a larger role in 2013’s Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong. The stoner meets his end at the teeth of some sharktiddies, and his roommates decide to have a party around his dead body.
During the party, the remaining characters play a trivia board game. They light up the evil bong from Evil Bong and smoke it (excluding Alistair, of course), and then the jock’s girlfriend is like… in heat. The jock falls asleep in a chair, and his girlfriend does a hands-free pogo stick routine that’s genuinely impressive. Then, there’s more 2006 homophobia! This is called an “intolerance break.” Folks, these are the jokes.
The jock and his girlfriend show up in the otherdimensional strip club, Alistair and the jock’s girlfriend’s best friend decide that the evil bong from Evil Bong is responsible for all their friends dying. The only problem is, the jock’s girlfriend’s best friend took a rip from it! Just as they figure it out, Tommy Chong shows up at the door. He’s the previous owner of the Evil Bong, and he’s there to settle some business.
“You can watch [Evil Bong] for free on Tubi, which is a pretty good price in my opinion.”
What will happen to Alistair and his crush? How much screen time does an actor have to have to legally be considered the star of the movie? How many movies are in this series? Find out when you check out Evil Bong! You can watch it for free on Tubi, which is a pretty good price in my opinion.
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