Dearest Fiends,

You are cordially invited to attend a dinner gathering of your choice. Now, since there are a lot of you, I’ve thoughtfully hand-picked ten different options for you to choose from. Some may be more preferable than others, but I assure you: you’re in for an interesting evening either way. So browse the list below, start planning a nice outfit, and get that appetite ready. Oh, and please don’t forget to bring a host gift. It’s the polite thing to do, and most of them have something you might end up needing before the night is through…

 

10. Would You Rather (2012)

Our first option is a promising evening of fun and games. Not only do you get to enjoy a nice meal, the host also has a special game planned for attendees. All he’ll tell me about the game is you will each have to “choose between two rather unpleasant options” and he mentioned something about being squeamish and “not everyone will make it out alive.” I don’t know about you, but color me intrigued! I love a man of mystery.

Suggested Contribution: The host simply asks that you check your conscience at the door.

 

9. The Last Supper (1995)

In these times of political turmoil, sometimes all you want to do is have a nice cathartic evening venting your frustrations with friends over a nice glass of red. Well look no further, because this is the option for you. Do you have opinions deemed “controversial” by those damn liberals? Do you want to make America great again? These five friends would love to hear about it! They’ve got some equally strong opinions and a special cocktail they’ve mixed up just for you…

Suggested Contribution: Just you and your problematic self.

 

 

8. You’re Next (2011)

This one is a family affair, but something tells me a few non-members might show up so don’t let that deter you. Held at the family’s beautiful secluded vacation home, this evening is sure to be a blood bath. I mean a scream. Uhh I mean, it sounds fun… *ahem* anyway – if a little charming sibling rivalry doesn’t bother you, you’ll be right at home. Bonus points if you really went above and beyond in your Scout days.

Suggested Contribution: They actually have pretty much everything you’ll need, but their blender might need replacing.

 

7. Scary Movie 2 (2001)

The property may be dubbed ‘Hell House,’ but that’s only because you’re guaranteed a hell of a time! This beautiful old mansion has quite a history, and boy if those walls could talk you’d probably hear them calling your name. The butler Hanson is very friendly and will surely make you feel comfortable. He’ll be specially preparing the meal for the evening (with a few top-secret ingredients), so you’ll definitely be in good hands.

Suggested Contribution: An uncanny resemblance to the former owner.

 

6. Clue (1985)

Another one for game lovers, this gathering takes murder-mystery dinner parties to the next level. Hone your sleuthing skills and see if you can find the culprit that’s brutally murdering your new acquaintances. That is, if isn’t you… If you’re an eccentric personality with a keen eye for knick-knacks you’ll definitely want to RSVP. For added fun, watch for the cheery singing telegram to add an extra shot of fun in the middle of the mystery!

Suggested Contribution: B.Y.O.M. (Bring Your Own Motive)

 

5. mother! (2017)

This next one is hosted by a very nice couple in their beautiful Victorian home. They might be in the middle of renovating their humble abode, but they just can’t wait to host some friends for an evening of fun! Be advised, it’s located in the middle of a field, but people don’t usually have a problem finding it. From what I hear, it’s a very welcoming space that will have you feeling right at home! The expected number of guests is TBD, but word has it their soirees are usually of biblical proportions 😉

Suggested Contribution: Tool kit (they have some plumbing issues in the kitchen)

 

4. Hereditary (2018)

Speaking of issues, the Graham family has more of them than Rolling Stone, and you won’t want to miss out on this opportunity to catch a glimpse of them first-hand. This is an intimate affair so unfortunately only one of you will be accepted. Sit back and soak up the awkward silence before hostess Annie punctuates the evening with a fiery outburst sure to warm you up on a cold evening. The only thing thicker than the meatloaf is the lingering stench of resentment, and you’ll love cutting through them both! It’s an evening fit for a king. And for the social media savvy, I’m told you’re guaranteed a few new followers by the end of the night. Neat!

Suggested Contribution: Only young, healthy males need apply. Just bring that body of yours!

 

3. Hannibal (2001)

For the lady who appreciates a fancy meal by candlelight with soft tunes playing in the background, Hannibal Lecter would love to have you for dinner. Over. He would love to have you over for dinner… And I hope you like brainy men because in addition to Dr. Lecter (that’s right ladies, a doctor!! Swoon!), the other guest definitely has one. As for the menu, I’m told the entrée is difficult to prepare and even harder to obtain.

Suggested Contribution: An extra buzzsaw, just in case. And maybe a towel for the drool.

 

2. The Invitation (2015)

For those of you looking for some closure with your estranged ex, now’s your chance. She met some nice people while she was away, and now she’d like you and some of your friends to meet a few of them! If their calm demeanor unnerves you, relax, you’re probably just being paranoid. Besides, their home is beautiful and spacious, with some brand new state-of-the-art gates on the windows so you know you’re safe! You won’t want to leave, but even if you do they won’t let you. Not until you’re having as much fun as they are.

Suggested Contribution: Just a willingness to accept a life of inner peace with some new friends

 

1. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

All you Southerners know the struggle of a summer heat. Well the Sawyer clan is here to offer you some shelter from the August sun. They don’t have A/C or anything, but their house has a roof! And at night the sun isn’t even out!! So strap yourself down or they’ll do it for you, because your new hitchhiker friend’s family is hungry. You even get to meet the elderly patriarch. It’s quite an honor and he’s very old fashioned so be sure to offer your hand, like a lady. That is, if you can pry it off their beautiful homemade furniture!

Suggested Contribution: Band-Aids, and maybe some lozenges

 

 

Well, what’ll it be? Any of these options get your tummy rumbling? Or do you prefer a different dinner party I seem to have left out? Join our Fiend Club on Facebook and sound off! And until then, bone appétit!

 

tcm
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