Hey everyone, I’m Die Fieri, and we are rollin’ out looking for horror’s grossest, gnarliest, and downright wrong dishes that the genre has to offer! In Maine, we’ll get a taste of some delectable fortune cookies that are never the same twice. At a roadside diner in Ohio, they’re serving up pizza so good, you’ll be sure you’re dreaming! And just outside Ruggsville, a roadside attraction offers fried chicken you’ll surely run home with to your mamma, if you know what’s good for you!
That and many more, are here, right now, at Diner’s, Drive In’s, and DIE!
10. Farmer Vincent’s Smoked Meats – Motel Hell
How many motels can claim they also sell some of the best jerky around? Here at Motel Hell, Farmer Vincent’s smoked meats put the shama-lama in the ding-dong for any meat lover. Made from locally sourced pork (wink wink), these smoked treats are sure to please the inner Jeffrey Dahmer in all of us. Don’t ask for the secret recipe though, or you’ll find yourself neck-deep in trouble! Tip – watch out for the cardboard cows on the road to FlavorTown USA!
9. Pizzeria – Terrifier
Turn the cameras off. I don’t know where the hell we’re at, some pizzeria I guess. I can’t focus. This freakin’ clown is harshing my hankering for some prem-o pizza. “Hey brother, what’s with the staring?… I know it’s cold, I like cargo shorts, alright?… We good?… I get it, it’s Halloween. You’re the mayor of Creeptown, happy?…Can you get out of the frame please?”… He’s not listening. Forget this joint. I’d rather eat eggs than sit through another minute of this. Mute clowns aren’t welcome in Flavortown, brother. Let’s roll on.
8. Penny’s Gas Station – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
I’m just outside of Haddonfield, Illinois, at a little known gem known as Penny’s Gas Station. Great food at a gas station? GET OUT! They are serving up grub so dynamite, your lone waitress will probably fall over dead. No worries up in this joint, though. The knife wielder in the back will make sure your taste buds are blown away like an exploding gas pump. The food here is OFF. THE. HOOK. Seriously. The phone cord has been cut. You can’t make calls.
7. Valkenheiser Courthouse – Nothing But Trouble
I’m in Valkenvania, New Jersey, at a broken down courthouse sure to give even the bravest brother the creeps! Here, the Hawaiian Punch flows straight outta the can! Gangsta! After some “ants on a log” that will run away if you’re not a fast eater, comes an entree so bomb-dot-com tasty, you’ll ignore the mine fire explosions shaking the table. Hot Dogs, made from Dutch-Country’s prized Herefords! I suggest you have em’ the same way I do!
6. Paradise Falls Diner – Legion
Near the edge of the Mojave Desert, an oasis of devilishly-good delicacies can be found here, at Paradise Falls Diner. Travelers from heaven to hell stop in for a steak so dynamite, you’ll sentence your firstborn to the fires of hell! Winner, winner, demon steak dinner! Now, if the meats don’t tickle your taste buds, there’s always dessert! What is a more perfect treat than ice cream in the desert sun? Frosty Treats ice cream will really hit the sp…oh…nevermind.
5. Hell House – Scary Movie 2
Next we’re rollin’ on for a good old-fashioned home cooked meal here at Hell House. Start off with some funkalicious hand-made buns, followed up with hand-mashed potatoes. For the entree, check out a turkey prepared so far out-of-bounds, you’ll need a taxi to get back! Combined together, these dishes make for a real festival of funk that will have the shyest of taste buds screaming “HIAWATHA!” Even the smallest, most horrifically disfigured hands get tired though, so plan on ordering out for dessert.
4. Joey B’s Diner – Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
So I’m in New Jersey right outside Crystal Lake, and I’m looking for a joint offering something a little more funky. It doesn’t get much more radical than what they’re cooking up here at Joey B’s Diner. The food here is so gangsta, you are bound to be hit by some flavorlicious friendly fire! While Joey B’s cooks up all your favorites, they don’t stop there. You can actually order up the chef himself! First deep-fried to a crunchy crisp, your “chef’s choice” hits the hot flattop to sear in those righteous flavors. Serve it up on a garbage can lid! Be prepared to stay awhile though, as things tend to move in slow motion around here. Not a bad price for out-of-this-world oddities!
3. Chinese Restaurant – IT (Miniseries)
Right in the heart of downtown Derry, Maine, I’m rollin’ in for a quiet, relaxing bite of Chinese cuisine. What’s more chill than a good ol’ fashioned fortune cookie? GET OUTA HERE! Chill is not Die Fieri’s style. At this little slice of international food heaven, each fortune cookie comes with more than just words of wisdom. Blood spatters? Cockroaches? A human eyeball? Bird embryo’s? Holy cookies Batman! You might even get lucky and bite off a tasty tarantula. You might wanna ask one of the oblivious staff for some washashashasha sauce for that one. Sign me up to be the ambassador to fortune cookie Flavortown!
2. Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Mayhem – House of 1000 Corpses
As we wind down our cross-country bus tour of taste, I’m psyched to say we saved some of the best for last. Are you ready to visit the blackjack dealer at the Flavortown Casino? Then we better stop in at Captain Spaulding’s on the outskirts of Ruggsville. What might look like a sideshow attraction from the outside, Spaulding is dishing out some off-the-hook fried chicken. It just tastes so damn good! Watch out for a blast radius the size of a Kansas City watermelon on your taste buds after this one. It’s the real deal, no clowning around here! At least this one talks.
1. Crave Inn – A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
And finally, we arrive at the epicenter of edible goodness, a joint so dynamite you’ll swear you were dreaming, the Crave Inn! This roadside diner right outside of Springwood, Ohio, lays claim to the most delicious pizza you’d ever hallucinate. It’s not often you find the perfect slice, but this hot Frisbee of fun delivers the goods. Topped with the souls of your closest friends and family, this pizza will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. The human face meatballs really tie the whole dish together, forming a priceless pie only Pizza Piccasso could craft. Talk about soul food! Be aware though, if the food don’t kill you, the service will!
That’s it for this episode of Triple D, what are some of your favorite horror joints that take your taste buds to full throttle? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter! Check back again in the future for another righteous episode of Diner’s Drive In’s, and DIE!