“There are plenty of fish in the sea.” It’s a phrase everyone going through a breakup has heard. But has anyone ever actually looked?
Because according to horror and horror-leaning movies, there are not only plenty of fish in that sea, but most of them are way sexier than what we’ve got on land. Since we’re celebrating sea creatures of all types during Nightmare on Film Street’s Enchantment Under the Sea two-month event, we thought we’d put a couple of those spicy swimmers on your radar. Let’s begin with…
8. Amphibian Man – Shape of Water
You knew we had to start here, right? In 2017, Guillermo del Toro shook up Hollywood by asking the question every filmmaker’s thought at least once: where is Abe Sapien‘s penis? Since then, horror fans have been imagining a romantic dimension to all their favorite movie monsters, from Pennywise to Predator and everything in between. Amphibian Man proves that all monsters deserve somebody to love, even finned ones. Without him, this list certainly wouldn’t exist.
7. Calypso – Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean had a huge impact on pop culture. It unleashed a new generation of horror fans, made millions of dollars at the box office, and made a renowned character impression out of functioning alcoholism. But perhaps the most important thing it did was remind us of what sea shanty writers have always known: the ocean herself is hot. Embodied as the omniscient Calypso, this PotC anti-hero is both powerful and tragic, able to control the seven seas but not the human heart. Maybe it’s that relatable heartbreak that makes the character so appealing, or maybe it’s the fact that she turns men into octopuses.
It’s probably that second one.
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6. Proteus – The Lighthouse
The longer you’re stuck on an island with someone, they hotter (or more edible) they start to look. Such is certainly the case with Willem Dafoe’s character Thomas Wake in Robert Eggers’s The Lighthouse. Toward the end of the film, Wake briefly transforms into a swarthy, nautically-enhanced hunk that terrifies Robert Pattinson’s Ephraim Winslow. According to Eggers, that coral-coiffed cutie is Proteus, Greek Titan and OG Old Man in the Sea. Now, it’s up to you whether Wake‘s character really turns into the Greek sea god or just appears as him in Winslow‘s imagination, but just because he’s a nautical hallucination doesn’t mean he’s not a dreamboat.
5. Golden & Silver – The Lure
The 2015 Polish nightmare The Lure might be the scariest movie on this list. In it, sea monsters tear out people’s throats, get bloody amputations, and dissolve into bubbling sea gunk. But what’s scariest about the movie is that it’s actually not that different from its inspiration… Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale “The Little Mermaid.” Yeah, as it turns out, mermaids have always been more about gore than amore, which The Lure does a great job of proving. Still, lead characters Golden & Silver make a badass musical duo as the film’s titular punk band, earning them a well-deserved tie for fifth on this list.
4. Jason Vorhees – Friday the 13th Franchise
Submitted for your review: horror’s tallest, darkest, and handsomest man is also a sea monster. From the jump-scarific reveal of his existence in the first film to the years he spent as an underwater art installation, Jason has been in the water as much as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. That said, part of Jason‘s persona is that he’s not the best swimmer.
3. The Sphere – Sphere
It’s got a (geometrically) perfect body. It’ll make your (most nightmarish) dreams literally come true. What isn’t attractive about the titular alien intelligence, AKA Jerry, in 1998’s Sphere? Sure, it’s an unknown entity that may or may not have a desire to plunge humanity into another dark age, tearing asunder the very fabric of reality to accomplish its mad and barbaric whims. But isn’t that, like, most of Tinder?
2. Ursula – The Little Mermaid
Admit it, we all have a thing for the villain. Confidence is one of the most attractive features a person can have, and that’s one thing that a good villain never lacks. It’s especially true for one of the most horror-leaning villains to ever come out of a Disney film, Ursula the Sea Witch. Like the other Little-Mermaid-related entry on this list, Ursula‘s got more pipes than she knows what to do with. In fact, at one one point in the movie, she literally has another person’s pipes. Don’t tell me that’s not relationship material.
Plus, she’s got a bunch of tentacles and, hey, we’re not here to judge.
1. Godzilla – Godzilla Franchise
He’s been a bad guy, a good guy, a monster, a king, and a father. But for every role that the King of Monsters has played, he has always been reliable. For the six decades of Godzilla‘s existence, he’s never spent more than a couple years away, inevitably returning to theaters for another muscly show of dinosauric derring-do. Sure, he’s not as young as some of the others on this list, or as chiseled, or as physically compatible with a human being. But he’s got all of them beat on consistency. And at the end of the day, isn’t that the sexiest trait of all?
(Of course not; it’s atomic breath.)
Which of these underwater hotties gets your blood boiling? Are there any creatures I forgot? Let us know by giving us a shout on our Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook page! For more nautical naughtiness, plus all the best in horror movie reviews and interviews, keep lurking at Nightmare on Film Street.