Howdy there folks! Bernie King here, realtor to villains! People often come to me and ask, ‘Bernie, how do you find such AMAZING places for your customers?’ and I tell them, it’s all about finding the right home for the right person. That’s right pilgrims, even the most dastardly villain needs a home. But where exactly do these miscreants go after a fun-packed day of mustache twirling, vigorous hand rubbing and maniacal laughter? Lairs!
I find the perfect hideaway place for these ne’er-do-wells to plan, scheme and carry out all kinds of mischievous activities. And you happen to be an aspiring villain, I have some great properties for you. Let your imagination run wild and allow your brain to conjure massive wide caverns with high ceilings, musty air with the tang of rotten food permeating throughout.
10. Cabrini-Green Housing Project, Chicago – Candyman (1992)
The area’s a little rough around the edges and gangs roam the streets late at night but I heard from a reporter, who sadly passed away after her investigation into this urban legend, that the spirit of Candyman could be summoned by saying his name five times while facing a mirror. As though he personally was the world’s most lethal security system, he kills the summoner with a hook fastened to his bloody stump. Maybe you could use that existing legacy to dovetail into your own fiendish plot?
Now, before you turn up your nose at this first property, pest control has been brought in to get rid of all these wasps. We think there might be a nest in the walls. For the art lover, there are murals and graffiti all over the place- providing you’re into that contemporary art-kitsch. Most of them depict the Candyman though and could be considered nightmare fuel. Your call.
9. Los Angeles –The Lambert House – Insidious (2010)
So, I get the feeling the projects was a little too rough for you, yeah? No problem bub, let’s get ourselves some suburban sunshine as I show you the next property: The Lambert House – this place was once owned by a couple whose son inexplicably entered a comatose state and became a vessel for ghosts in an astral dimension who wanted to inhabit his body. I know, right? Apparently he was able to dream himself into the astral plane and traveled too far, becoming lost in a Dante’s Inferno type of purgatory realm called “The Further”. But if you love ‘Tiptoe Through The Tulips,’ (and who doesn’t) you can visit that realm yourself! You just might have to deal with the demon there that has hoofs for feet, as he currently uses a tool shop there to sharpen his claws.
8. Dracula’s Castle, Transylvania – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Now, you might have to bear with me on this one, as this castle has seen a LOT of film crews over the years. That said, there are multiple secret passages and doors at your disposal, high ceilings, and just look at the hearth! Here’s a little factoid for you, as you appear to be a film buff: The first motion picture to feature Dracula was Dracula’s Death, produced in Hungary in 1921. The now-lost film was not an adaptation of Stoker’s novel, but featured an original story. Oh, you knew that already? Of course you did, you’re a diabolical genius.
I’m afraid you won’t get much light from the south facing windows, as the building was specifically placed here for minimum sunlight. So if you like seeing that drab, dreary look every day, this is the place for you! Apparently the last owner was in a bit of rush to leave and needs to sell the castle quickity-quick. It’s a shame as I wanted to speak to a Mr. Harker about arranging the Count’s real estate acquisitions, but he seems to have disappeared, too. From what I’ve heard he’s supposed to be English but has a very peculiar accent…sounded more Californian stoner than anything else if I’m bring honest.
7. 29 Neibolt St, Derry – IT (2017)
I know this place doesn’t look like much from the outset but before you run for the door, let me tell you something that will make you want to grab the keys right outta my hand like a snapping turtle. This fine establishment is on sale for literally next to nothing! That’s right, all of this can be yours for a tenth of the asking price. No, there’s no catch.
Well…I guess ‘legally’ I have to tell you that the town of Derry is being terrorized by an entity that assumes the appearance of whatever you fear, awakens every twenty-seven years to feed on the children of the town before returning to hibernation, moves about using sewer lines which all lead to a well currently under this property and the only line of defense is a plucky young group that call themselves the ‘Loser’s Club’.
But these curtains, though!
6. Jason Voorhees’ Shack, Camp Crystal Lake – Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
I know, I know- it’s a shack. A pretty ramSHACKle one at that too, but you have to look at the place from a different perspective. What you’re currently looking at through unfocused eyeholes is a filthy shack with plywood and sheets of corrugated iron for walls, but what you’re really seeing is a fixer-upper with potential. On the other hand, maybe it’s meant to have half the roof missing. I like to think of the shack as the ultimate “man cave” with convertible top-down inspired decision. Let’s look inside, shall we?
Okay, so lots of…dead things. Mostly teenagers. But I know a guy who can clean out almost any stain. There’s a toilet at least and a nifty altar. Candles help make it a bit cozier, right? Just pretend the decomposing head sitting there isn’t looking straight into your very soul as we finish up our walk-through. As a potential lair, I think this would be more of a ‘last ditch hideaway’ more than anything else. But let’s press on, as there seems to be a hulking brute outside with a burlap sack on his head, just…looking at us.
5. Buffalo Bill’s House, Ohio – The Silence of The Lambs (1991)
This is a little more quaint. The front room is a tad messy and musty, but nothing a spring clean can’t fix. The previous owner was a tailor and from what I’ve heard, there was some commotion with the FBI about some of the suits he was in the process of making. They’ve taken most of his equipment as evidence but you’ll find some mannequins upstairs if you need them. Don’t mind the moths, they flutter around from time to time but we’ll get some exterminators onto the property if you decide to move in.
What I really wanted to show you though is the back area of the house. It gets a little rustic, but look at that well! You could leave anything (or anyone) down there without fuss. Leave those night vision goggles, I’m not insured if they get broken. Also, I wouldn’t advise using the bathtub until it’s been thoroughly scrubbed.
4. Hadley’s Hope, LV-426 – Aliens (1986)
I’m not quite sure how we got into space – but here we are. Bernie King spares no expense in showcasing properties to interested buyers! This property is a real gem too. LV-426 is an entire colony with a fully functioning reactor, bar and medical lab. My papers tell me that there should be 158 colonists on Acheron, but I can’t seem to see anyone around. I wonder- if we screamed, would anyone be able to hear us? Hang on, let me try locating them on this PDA thingy…ah, there we are. They all seem to be having a party down in the sub-level basement. I heard from the building maintenance guy that they have parties mostly at night. Mostly.
Shall we gate crash?
3. Boiler Room, Springwood, Ohio – A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
As you can see, we are in a boiler room. I may need you to sit down for a second because I’ve got a small revelation for you. We’re dreaming. I know…crazy, right? We’re currently in our own dreamscape world, where anything is possible. Now, how does that grab you? Think about it, you can IMAGINE your own lair from the comfort of your bedroom. The previous occupant, Mr. Fred E. Kruger, really wanted to create a boiler room ambiance with his dreamscape world. He was able to enter the minds of the young and impressionable, and tell them all about his adventures! Isn’t that great?
Now, the pros of having a dreamscape lair is that there’s absolutely no rental charge. All furnishings are created by your limitless imagination. Don’t ask me how it works though- I don’t have the slightest idea. Moving on!
2. Isolated Cabin, Tennessee – The Evil Dead (1981)
A personal favorite of mine. Far away from any neighbours, you can use this as a perfect getaway with your beloved, or a bunch of friends. This property comes with a tool shed out back, trap door cellar and just look at all the taxidermy! Now, the only advise I’d give you is NOT TO OPEN any flesh bound books that may or may not be on the property. There was an incident here years ago, a lot of teenagers were involved and I’m pretty sure there’s still one of them in the cellar.
1. Bates Motel, California – Psycho (1960)
The motel itself has over twenty rooms, so feel free to spread out. There’s also a nearby swamp, perfect for dumping any unscrupulous baggage if you find yourself in a pinch. And, if you want to invite friends over you can keep a close eye on them as there’s a plethora of spy holes dotted in the mirrors and pictures. Not creepy at all!
The best thing about this lair however, is the grand mansion situated up the stairs from the actual motel. The last owner was very much into playing dress up, so this place would be the best for Halloween! Oh, and there’s a nice old lady up there in the window to greet us. Aw, doesn’t she look nice?
I’ll give you folks a minute or two to talk things over. When you’ve made your decision, just let me know which lair you’d like to move into on Twitter, Reddit, or over in the Horror Movie Fiend Club on Facebook!