Let’s face it, kids are a gift. Wait, did I say a gift? I meant delicious. Kids are delicious. Sometimes normies who don’t care for horror wonder how we can be so lighthearted about serious subjects. All I have to say about that is “psh, shut up you beige human!”
What can I say? Horror and comedy have always been sisters from the same mister. The genre often allows people to approach heavy, traumatic subject matters with the space to let some of that heaviness go. Whether it’s through laughs, cathartic violence or just having the chance to indulge your darkest instincts without judgment – horror lets us have the freedom to have fun with things that really aren’t fun.
I hope you saved room for dessert, because today we dive into the Top 7 movies where young folk are on the menu. They may escape the villains digestive track, but not for lack of trying! Mmm, sacrilegious.
7. Motel Hell (1980)
Motel Hell is a b-movie classic. No one beats Farmer Vincent’s meat! What a tagline. In the ultimate extreme of “get off my lawn!”, ol’ Farmer Vincent is sick and tired of all these teens and delinquents using his countryside for their drug and sex parties and whatever else they’re up to. Farmer Vincent uses a trap to cause an accident outside his farm. When said teens are trapped, he uses them to make his famous sausages and jerkies. They’re a hit in town. Everything goes very well for a while, until he falls for a fair-haired teen. Once he takes her in the house, rather than his digestive track, things get complicated and the jig is ultimately up.
What a cannibalistic catastrophe! Motel Hell stars such icons as Rory Callhoun and Wolfman Jack. It’s full of gratuitous puns, nudity and violence. It’s cheesy, it’s gory, and it’s wonderful.
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6. Parents (1989)
Parents is a 1989 horror comedy starring Randy Quaid. Do I really need to go any further than that? Ok, fine – let me then add the fact that it is one of only four movies directed by the fantastic Bob Balaban and that the plot is about a suburban kid who suspects his parents are cannibals. You in now? You better be. This movie is bizarre, hilarious and, well, f-ed up in a way only 80’s movies could be. It haunted my dreams and will haunt yours too. While you may be tempted to laugh it off, there is a good deal of craftsmanship here and some great little Easter eggs for horror fans. One example: the family’s surname is Laemle, as in Carl Laemle, producer of many of the classic monster movies from Dracula to Frankenstein.
5. The Witches (1990)
The 1990 adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic embraces Dahl’s love of scaring kids half-to-death. Ah, memories. Luke arrives with his family to a seaside resort. There is a group of women who stay and work at the resort. The leader of the group is Miss Ernst, played perfectly by Anjelica Huston, who oozes creepy malevolence. This movie does such a great job of capturing how it feels to be a kid fearing and suspect adults. Well, turns out Luke‘s fears weren’t unfounded and, in fact, things are worse than they seemed. The women are actually witches, witches with an appetite for kiddy flambé. First on the menu? Himself. He gets turned into a mouse and nearly ends up on the menu. The Witches is a spooky classic and if you haven’t seen it, do so now!
4. The Green Inferno
Right at the time the alt-right came into the national spotlight on a platform of mocking ‘snowflake’ liberal social justice warriors, out comes The Green Inferno like a turd in a swimming pool. The unfortunate timing meant people loved to hate this movie. Inferno tells the story of a group of well-meaning rich college kids who want an ‘authentic experience’ of South American native culture and to take a stand against deforestation. In a nasty turn toward dark comedy, the natives turn out to essentially be an evil cult of cannibals. The arriving youngsters look more delicious than helpful. The tone of this movie is sarcastic and grating and the portrayals of the cannibalistic natives borders on stereotyping, but if you can squint your eyes and see past all that, the movie is actually well shot and has more than a few genuinely funny moments. I mean, they eat the stoner member of the group and he was so full of weed that the natives all get super stoned. I mean, how wonderfully f-ed up is that?
It’s a mess with a message that came out with the worst possible timing, but overall Green Inferno is a classic bit of gore exploitation cinema and worth watching, as long as you partake of your own green inferno ahead of time.
3. It (1990)
A demonic spider from another dimension that lives off fear and eats children? Yep, that recipe for nightmare fuel made for one of the scariest novels ever written and now two fantastic adaptations to the screen. The older version is iconic and a great testament to practical effects and the acting of Tim Curry. The new one is a dark, gory version with much more attention to the details of the book. Either way, they both will scare your pants off. It was the first novel I remember reading and remains my favorite of King’s works to this day. The movies are both great and the old one gave me a phobia of drains that still plagues me. I don’t wanna float, Pennywise!
2. Ice Cream Man (1995)
Good lord, this movie. Every once in a while a movie gets made and it’s a marvel how it ever got funding or distribution. This is the one and only non-pornographic film from director Norman Apstein. As a pro at churning out fantastic filth, Apstein uses his lack of moral compass to create a weird, disgusting, hilarious mid-90’s flick. It stars Clint Howard as an evil ice cream man who makes rocky road out of the locals and then feeds it to kids. I mean, seriously, how the hell did this get made? See it, you won’t regret it. Well, maybe you will, but it’s worth it.
1. Blood Diner (1987)
The basic premise of this 1987 Horror Comedy is two brothers using their diner as a cover, killing teen women, serving their flesh to unsuspecting diners and using the blood as part of a blood sacrifice to awaken a dormant Egyptian goddess. So, yeah, you know, normal stuff. What can I say about this movie, other than that it is deranged and wonderful. It is also part of a horror mystery that fascinates me. Jackie Kong directed four horror flicks right in the peak of the 80’s golden age, this one included. Then, boom, she fell off the face of the earth. A female horror director in the 80’s is rarer than an albino crow. For her not only to break in, but get four projects greenlit with her as producer and director is even rarer. Then, poof, gone. Whatever happened to Jackie Kong?! Come back to us!
Well, we hope you’ve enjoyed this freshly baked list of cannibal calamities. We here at NOFS hope you never eat any teens, but do hope you enjoy the hell out of each one of these flicks. Check them out and let us know what you think in social media ville.