Recommending films can be a difficult proposal, but warning against films one should never see is easy. It turns out that when your observing subject is from another planet, it’s even easier. If there comes a day when aliens arrive on Earth in peace, there’s plenty of films we would gladly share with them in all our favorite cinematic glory. However, there are some films we might want to hide from them as they assimilate to not only our atmosphere, but to our continuous sphere of various cultures. There are just some films out there that they should never lay eyes on, if they have eyes.
A good recommendation is made with the intention to entertain and educate. An ill-made recommendation has the potential to offend, traumatize, and even sicken a new movie viewer. Suggesting horror films to those who are not privy to certain themes and imagery, especially extraterrestrials, can jar them right back into their aircrafts or ignite a war of the worlds. The process must be made with careful intention. Since we would rather keep our space travelers as friends rather than making foes out of them, there are 10 Horror Movies Aliens Should NEVER See… no matter how much us humans enjoy them.
10. Dudebro Party Massacre III (2015)
Never confuse your alien audience! Humor is one of those tones that might be complicated for space natives to comprehend. With satire being a more intuitive form of comedy, total understanding at the formative topic is necessary to begin expansion in terms of meaning. Tomm Jacobsen, Michael Rousselet, and Jon Salmon (5 Second Films) turn slasher tropes upside down and on their heads with their off-the-wall killer tale, Dude Bro Party Massacre III. For those of us who get it, this film is quite fun. For those unfamiliar with the subject matter, a film like this will just come off as bizarre. Just try explaining to them that it’s not a sequel or part of a trilogy.
9. Jurassic Park (1993)
Never worry your alien audience with extinction! Steven Spielberg (Close Encounters Of The Third Kind) sure loves his otherworldly flicks, but Jurassic Park is one that may have novice alien viewers worried about the real world they’ve decided to cohabitate. This film will surely raise questions about where the great terrifying beasts went and humans will have some explaining to do. Extinction, especially when it’s of a certain species, might alarm the new race of global guests. Surely, aliens would rather invade than go extinct on this planet. Why suffer the hit of a comet when you can live on one? Sometimes, the less questions to answer, the better.
8. The Invasion (2007)
Never let your alien audience know we’re clever! Oliver Hirschbiegel (The Experiment) and James McTeigue (V For Vendetta) place aliens at the helm of an undercover infestations with their sleeper sci-fi adaptation, The Invasion. The alien enemy has some impressive tactics, but the narrative spins more wit toward a psychiatrist and her young son. It also reduces the beings to an emotionless virus that can be tricked and cured with medicinal sciences. If an alien species is here watching movies, that’s a good thing for us. If they think we might need a shift in genetics, let’s not lay out all of our smarts on the table.
7. Prometheus (2012)
Never insult your alien audience! While we are recommending films to our new extraterrestrial friends, we should probably refrain from ones that make a mockery, for lack of better terms, of their race as well as their intentions. Though Ridley Scott’s (Blade Runner) return to the Alien franchise in Prometheus is visually stunning and ambitious, the logic behind some of the origin stories is messy. The themes of playing God, seeking answers, and domination could be pretty offensive to our foreign viewers. The Engineers’ ultimate plan to invade Earth seems to fall beneath their level of intellect and might not be the most appropriate narrative choice for newcomers with no bad intentions… that we know of.
6. The Human Centipede (2009)
Again, never give your alien audience bad ideas! Hear me out on this one: The Human Centipede has its unique gross-out appeal, but it might not be the best idea to showcase it in front of a bunch of space invaders. Let’s face it, if they’re coming to us, they’re the ones who have mastered space travel and are, therefore, more intelligently sophisticated. We don’t need to give them any ideas on how to mutate the human body, or bodies. Dr. Heiter was creative in Tom Six’s (The Human Centipede 2 and 3) strange thriller, to say the least, but his surgical education may be no match to a higher intelligence. What if they can formulate up a worse concoction? If one could possibly exist…
5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Never give your alien audience the wrong impression! If we’re suggesting films to alien visitors, it’s best to treat them like a dinner guest in our home: We want to present the best versions of ourselves and we don’t want them to think of themselves as the dinner. Right? Recommending Tobe Hooper’s (Poltergeist) grotesquely groundbreaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre might display the worst of humankind in poor taste (yup, intentional pun). Seeing what people are capable of doing to one another and what they are willing, or desire, to eat might freak out our guests and send them running for the hills… or the back of the nearest Chevrolet C-10.
4. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial (1982)
Never let your alien audience think we’re the bad guys! Steven Spielberg’s universally family-friendly film about an innocent alien left behind on Earth (on accident) is actually a lot scarier than you think and it’s not because of the titular character. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial is one of many terrifying examples of the government being villains to aliens from outer space. Yeah, even to the good aliens! Sure, the government would need to quarter off and quarantine an unknown species for the sake and well being of humankind, but there is a certain layer of menace placed on the agents that come for the kids and their newfound friend. Let’s stick to showing aliens that we come in peace, not in peril!
3. Salò/The 120 Days of Sodom (1975)
Never make your alien audience uncomfortable! Yikes. Do any of us actually enjoy the 120 Days of Sodom, also titled Salò? Pier Paolo Pasolini’s (Theorem) art house film may breed seriously higher level appreciation from some critics, but for others, it might be a little too extreme as far as sexual violence and intensity go. If we, as humans, are uncomfortable sitting through this, then we shouldn’t presume any foreign visitor would make it a first choice selection. If we’re going to educate these viewers on art and cinema, it might be best to ease them into subject matter like this.
2. Alien (1979)
Never make your alien audience feel guilty! If we flip the script and look at Ridley Scott’s iconic space horror, Alien, the predator can easily be seen as the prey. The Xenomorph organisms are a primal species with the same intention of survival as the crew members of the Nostromo. In all honesty, Kane and the others did stick their noses in Xenomorph territory. The animalistic facehugger was just looking for the next hot incubation spot. Aliens should never see Alien because, quite frankly, it might offend them. We can all justify our means to live, can’t we? Aliens, even the scary ones, surely can too.
1. District 9 (2009)
Never make your alien audience think they will be trapped by humans! There’s two schools of thought when it comes to extraterrestrials: either they will come to overthrow our race or they will arrive to assimilate. If the situation lands upon the latter, Neill Blomkamp’s (Elysium) possible version of events in District 9 will not bode well for any alien viewer. Villainizing our government (not that it’s hard to do) and predicting the mistreatment of alien visitors might be some major slap-in-the-face themes that will make them feel both terrified and unwelcome. It’s a nuanced story that has a lot to say, but I doubt any aliens will take kindly to the wicked approach of rounding up and confining their race in order to absorb their advanced technology. A narrative like this won’t impress them, especially if they believe it represents our definition of hospitality.
One would think most of these films would be top notch, first picks when it comes to recommendations. One very important thing to remember when presenting new cinematic material to “normies” (or not-so-“normies”, depending on their native planet) is to keep your audience in mind. Basically when it comes to recommending the right kind of movies, it’s best to do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing, by recommending the wrong flick, could mean the end of civilization as we know it… or result in some really gross hybrid-human experiments.
Which are some horror movies you would not recommend to alien visitors? Which of these films do you think aliens should never see? Which would you add? Let us know your thoughts over on Twitter, Reddit, or in the Horror Movie Fiend Club on Facebook!