It’s Greedy Guts Month here at Nightmare on Film Street, which means anything goes! And when I say anything goes, you need to know that that always means a sequel to my Spookiest Birds article from October of 2018. The world’s changed a lot since then, and I’ve learned some new things, so it felt appropriate to update the list. Without further ado, this is Spookiest Birds 2: The 2kiest Birds Alive.
Do you think a pelican couldn’t swallow you whole? I wish I had your confidence. I’ve been to the beach before, a couple times, and when these things come swooping down there’s always a split second where you think about how strong that jaw could be. Scary stuff! Also, you may have seen rumors that when a pelican gets too hot, they can essentially throw up their spine to cool down. That ended up being fake, but what a horrifying idea! Sometimes, the truth is stranger than fiction. Not this time, though. Moving on!
This mammoth beast makes the list by virtue of its immense size. These birds are HUGE. They lay eggs the size of your head, they can run 40 miles per hour, and I’d like to reiterate how BIG these things are. If birds are dinosaurs that evolved to be tiny and efficient, then ostriches are the unevolved cousins to other birds. Ostriches are just dinosaurs.
Chickens are spooky because they’re mean, which is the precursor to evil. Not every individual chicken, of course, but everything you’ve ever heard about roosters is true. They wake up early and scream for blood in the darkness. Now you might be thinking, “that’s pretty metal, but it doesn’t match my decor.” Well, my pet-to-upholstery-coordinating friend, meet the Ayam Cemani, which you might also know as the goth chicken. These chickens have feathers and beaks as black as their hearts, and if you think I’m exaggerating about that then click that link. According to the Wikipedia page for these monsters (which is twice as much research as I did for Spookiest Birds 1), their internal organs are black. Literally black-hearted. Eek!
One more terrifying fun fact about chickens is that they can live waaaaay too long after being beheaded. That’s admittedly hearsay, but I heard it from so many people growing up in rural Tennessee that I assume at least somebody knew what they were talking about. That’s called research! You know what else lives a long time after having its head removed? A g-g-g-ghost!!!
The neck of a turkey looks like the neck of an old person. Disgusting. They’re like big chickens, and I don’t have to tell you how spooky a chicken is. They can kind of fly, but just enough to be scary. They represent the worst holiday. A turkey is my enemy. Ugly peacockass birds. Get rid of them. You don’t have to take my word for it, there have been multiple horror movies about turkeys.
The main thing that keeps turkeys out of my nightmares is that they’re dumb as hell. Turkeys will drown in the rain trying to catch water in their mouth. If you’re trying to put together a murderbeast, a self-defeating one is less scary than, say, one with a chainsaw for arms. Turkeys are the only monster dumber than zombies.
Obviously, that’s an important point, but I’d like to dig a little deeper. Remember The Thing? Because I do. And I learned enough from that movie to not trust anything in Antarctica. The crew from March of the Penguins is lucky that didn’t become a LiveLeak video. Additionally, I’m pretty sure penguins are in Lovecraft fiction, and if they aren’t then they should be. A cold-blooded flightless bird that lives in the coldest place on earth?! Maddening! Are penguins cold-blooded? I mean, probably!
Huh, I forgot about this one again. Well, too late for research now!
The Dracula Parrot
Full disclosure: this bird is the reason you’re reading this followup article right now. I saw a picture of the danged Dracula Parrot and realized I’d missed a crucial bird. Before we continue, I just wanna emphasize that there are ornithologists that refer to this beast as the Dracula Parrot. A parrot that’s also a dracula! Unless there’s a Van Helsing Parrot (psittrichas van helsing) out there, we’re all in danger.
The Dracula Parrot is so-named because they are adorned in majestic black and red feathers. They also have very intimidating beaks, that they use to, presumably, bite the necks of their victims. Like other parrots, they can talk. However, the Dracula Parrot always speaks with a thick Transylvanian accent. Polly vant to suck your blood!!! While I stand by my initial assessment that the bat is the spookiest bird, I have to give the second place trophy to the Dracula Parrot.
Did you learn anything from this article? I sure hope so! If not, I have to assume that you’re an even more respected spooky bird expert, and we’ll need to do battle. Let us know on Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and the Horror Fiends of Nightmare on Film Street Facebook page! And for more Greedy Guts guilty pleasure picks, stay tuned to Nightmare on Film Street.