Halloween approaches! And that means one thing; candy.
BUT! Beware the scary house at the edge of the neighbourhood. No, not the one with the boarded-up windows. No, not the one where a chainsaw killing spree occurred in 1961. That house is nothing compared to the horrors that await you when you visit the house where some cheery-eyed, well meaning parent gives you the worst. candy ever.
Not sure which to avoid? Here are the 5 worst candies to be dropped in a Trick or Treat bag.
5. Gummi Bears
Gummi Bears are awful. This is not up for debate. It’s a fact. And that goes double for Gummi Worms, Gummi Snakes, Gummi Turtles, and any other animals that appear in gummi form. I don’t deal with the substance “gummi.” It’s nasty. And can we quit calling it “gummi”? That’s such a cute, whimsical word. Let’s call it what it is – polyurethane rubber. Is this candy made by Goodyear? Because it sure tastes like a sugar-flavored tire to me.
4. Necco Wafers
If I’m gonna crack my tooth on a piece of candy, it had better be some damn delicious candy. I need some candy that’s gonna make the ensuing root canal worth it, and Necco Wafers don’t qualify. Now, I can already hear you Wafer-Heads whininh about this candy being included on the list – “But Gary, they’re just like Sweet Tarts, only bigger!” Wrong. Necco Wafers are Sweet Tart’s evil cousin. Necco Wafers are what you get if you crossbreed a Sweet Tart with chalk. Moving on…
Because regular Dots weren’t nasty enough, society was given Crows. Appropriately enough, they do at least resemble the poop that they taste like. I’ll give them a little credit for that. And I suppose they are at least horror-themed, because the fact that they resemble poop does remind me of Human Centipede, but that’s the only positive thing I can say about them. Let’s get something straight – licorice blows. If you’re favorite candy flavor is tobacco and dirt, then I guess licorice is for you. But the rest of us are gonna pass.
If you have ever given a kid a box of raisins for Halloween, then you are what is wrong with society. I want you to go look at yourself in the mirror right now. Are you happy with what you see? Do you enjoy bringing sadness and tears to little children? Because that’s what Halloween raisins are – little boxes of nutritious, fun-killing, Halloween sadness. Every time a box of these shriveled-up rejects from the grape farmer’s industry arrives in a kid’s treat bag, Satan sheds a tear.
1. Circus Peanuts
Was there ever any doubt about the number one spot? Of course it was gonna be circus peanuts. These Trump-colored abominations fail as a candy on every level. Obviously made from stale marshmallows and the tears of circus elephants, these disgusting things take their rightful place at the top spot on our list. Trivia fact: When my little brother was two years-old, he managed to catch and eat a housefly. He swallowed the fly whole, and expressed no regrets. He didn’t bat an eye. But he took one bite of a circus peanut and spit it out. Case closed.
There you have it. Have fun trick-or-treating this year. But if any of these horrible candies wind up in your treat bag, do me a favor, and toss an extra egg at their house. Tell them it’s from Gary. And if you’re short on cash, I’ll be happy to split the cost of a pack of toilet paper with you. Also, if you need help sorting your stash, we’ve got you covered.